Slightly Revised edition
by Rev. Kellie Banter, preacher to the 1%.
(Republican Church and its enforcer Donald Trump. Bible by Ayn Rand)
Chapter One: Blessed Are the Rich, for They Inherited the Earth
Jesus insisted that the poor would inherit the earth. He was wrong. The rich have inherited the earth. It is all theirs. They can chew it up and spit it out if they want, as they do. Let’s just call it a bad financial forecast.
I’m not a rich person right now, but The American Dream may still hit me a home run. In the meantime, I am preparing the ground for my arrival in the Promised Land. For example, I’ll vote with Post-Jesus Christians (aka Republicans) on their budget plan once they get one. The only people who would increase taxes of rich people are those who have given up hope of ever becoming a rich person. That attitude is both un-American and communistic.
Chapter Two: The Donald Trumps of Their Era
On one web forum, I made the mistake of referring to the twelve disciples as “poor fishermen.” Almost before I could click “send,” I got a response from a student of the Bible: “The twelve disciples were the Donald Trumps of their time.” Apparently, they each owned three houses and had many servants. Who knew? This revelation turned the New Testament right-side up for me.
When Jesus said he would make the twelve apostles fishers of men, they thought he was letting them in on a new mortgage lending scheme. Imagine their horror when he started antagonizing potential customers by insulting them, and trashing competitors‘ tables outside the Temple. Some people just can’t take a little free market competition.
The Apostles kept trying to show Jesus the error of his ways. He got impatient with them, but they never lost patience with him. Until the inevitable happened.
They weren’t surprised when he got the death penalty; that’s where people like him end up. You didn’t see them holding signs, “Crucifixion is Murder!” or “Torture is Against God’s Law!” Everyone knows the best way to avoid the death penalty is to get rich. Jesus was not much of a role model in this regard.
Chapter 3: All Kinds of Sickness that You Clearly Deserve
(Matthew 4:23) “And Jesus went about all Galilee… preaching the gospel of the kingdom and healing all kinds of sickness and all kinds of disease among the people.”
Tell me this: if Jesus could actually heal the sick, why is there any sickness left? He told his followers to go heal the sick. They didn’t have much luck, so they invented health insurance.
Jesus told us we must heal the sick, the poor, the hungry, no matter who they are… a kind of Judean Obamacare. No profit there. Repeal that.
I used to think that the Kingdom of God was a land filled with all kinds of people from all over the world and their pets, laughing and eating and sharing desserts. That was before Ron Paul painted a new picture for me. At a past Republican debate, he preached the new Post-Jesus Christianity: the Kingdom of God is where we step over people who are in comas because they were too stupid to get health insurance. After all, fair’s fair and freedom is freedom. He didn’t actually call it Post-Jesus Christianity, but those who have ears shall hear.
Next month: Blessed Are the War-Makers for They Get the Spoils