Application for Employment, Ashfield UCC
Application for position as Church Grim at Ashfield UCC: Resume
I have 237 years, 8 months, 4 days experience as Church Grim in churches all over Europe and the United States. [A full resume will arrive in two weeks in twelve boxes via FedEx.] You will note that I have served as interim Grim for many other types of religious buildings.
301 c.e. – 941 c.e. Assistant Church Grim, Etchmiadzin Cathedral, Vagharshapat, Armenia
I jump to my very first job as a way to shorten your reading time. This is where I began training and learned many of the skills I can offer to UCC Ashfield:
-Keep unwelcome visitors away (I understand this skill will not be needed very often at UCC.)
-Circle the building every night to protect from any Brownies who wish to irritate you, i.e. picking pockets, leaving dirty dishes, souring the creamers, deleting files, stealing water bottles, etc.
-I would pay particular attention to the Brownie charged with turning on the furnace during silent prayer and the singing of Pace Deum
-I also deal with Monsters. I have certification in Non-violent Monster Overcoming.
-I usually don a big, black dog as camouflage, but I understand you may prefer a cat, as your previous Grim worked for you as a cat.
-I can assist Judy Haupt refilling tissue boxes and hymnals after services, though my skills in this regard are shaky.
-I can assist Chris Haddad in cleaning up your messes, though he works during my sleeping times, so don’t fire him.
-Dust the organ pipes
-Sort letters for outdoor pulpit (though my alphabet skills could use improvement)
-Theater skills: I have overseen Passion Plays, Christmas Pageants, and starred in Morality Plays and Mystery Plays (in costume of course), but real live theater is a passion for me and I would assist in any way possible after Virus restrictions are lifted.
1945 (beginning of construction) – 1986 (construction completed.)
Church Grim, Hallgrimskirkja, Reykavik, Iceland
My last term of employment was overseeing the construction of their cathedral. Though many Icelanders think it is ugly, I like it.
1986 – PRESENT Sabbatical
Salary requests: access to left-over coffee hour snacks, permission to ring bell at random times up to three times a year, accommodation in the bell tower, permission to listen to Rev. Jones’ sermons (best since Meister Eckhart in my opinion).
I look forward to serving as your Church Grim.
Please respond by letter to Under Popcorn Machine